What a busy day...sigh...

Today was such a busy day! I completely forgot the kids had the day off. Noah came home from school yesterday and announced that they had no school. What?!? How did I miss this? Honestly, I even had it written down on the calendar, although ironically, it was written down on for Thursday, not Friday. I had it wrong all along. Sigh. Whatever, it's not a big deal to have the kids home, they are MY kids after all. But then I still had the day home kids here and I thought, well at least *N* was going to school today ~ he's in a different school division. Then *N's* mom called me just as I was going to send him off to school, and she told me that his school was cancelled because the weather was colder than -46c. Really?!!? So evvveerrryone was home today AND it's so cold I can't even begin to have the kids go outside! And I had forgotten about it, so my mind wasn't in the right mind set to begin with. Sigh. And June and Adam were fighting by 9:15 and *N* was tattling left right and center by 7:40am. Not really a great start to the day. So I read everyone the riot act (as I always do, lol) and let everyone know what I was expecting from them... you know, be NICE to each other, quit tattling on everyone and everything, keep your hands to yourselves (& teeth too!) and let's TRY to make this a fun day! Nothing like reading the riot act by 9:15 in the morning. Sigh. There was alot of sighing today, if you couldn't tell. In the end, the day went OK, nothing a couple snacks, waffles & fruit for lunch, crafts, crafts and more crafts, and the Wii and a couple movies couldn't solve. Oh and June & Madi went across the street to Rejeana's house for a couple hours during nap time... sweet. (BIG thanks to Rejeana for inviting them over!)

I also decided to make a ton of bread this morning. I figured if I'm stuck inside, I may as well make as much bread as I have time for. So I made 10 loaves and 2 batches of buns (I use the buns for mini pizzas). It's kinda funny though, I feel a bit like a hoarder when it comes to bread. I feel like I can never have enough! I made 6 loaves a couple days ago, so I think I now have about 14 loaves total in the deep freeze? Something like that. I think it should hopefully last until next weekend. Hopefully next Monday (that's about 9 days away from now). Bread is such a staple in our home, we can eat a loaf in one meal. So if we have toast for breakfast and then sandwiches for lunch, that's easily 2 loaves in one day. We are eating machines! And then the kids LOVE to have toast and honey as a bedtime snack. (For Noah, it's almost a ritual to eat toast before bed, no kidding. He's almost incomplete if he doesn't have it, he's funny that way. I swear that boy has a hollow leg or 2, he just eats and eats, I can barely keep up... and he's not even a teenager yet. Scary!)

So next week Dallin turns one. My baby! He's growing up! What happened to this year? I feel like I was pregnant just a little while ago. He's changed alot in a year. My mom always is the first to remind me how much a baby changes in one year. She's right though. A year ago he couldn't really do anything other than eat, sleep and poop... and now he's crawling and laughing and walking around furniture and he copies so much of what we do. He's so much fun! I'm so glad we chose to have him! What a blessing it is to have another baby in our house. I'm trying hard to enjoy these last moments of him crawling around... before I know it, he'll be walking... and then he'll get an opinion... and before I know it, he'll be going off to school. Sob, sob... I wish they could all stay babies! Although, when they grow up, there are so many more fun things we can do together. It's all good. One of our favorite things about this year is that we have and 11 yr old, 9 yr old, 7 yr old, 3.5 yr old and a baby. We have every age & stage pretty much under the age of 11. It's great! (most of the time, lol... I might now say it when they're being stinkers, lol) What a blessing though to have these people in our lives. I'm so glad that we've chosen to have me stay at home and raise our babies. It's not an easy thing to do, and heaven knows when I'm changing the 5th or 6th dirty, yucky diaper in one day, I'm not loving it... but it's worth it. When things are good, they are oh so good. ☺

I'm taking Noah to Winnipeg tomorrow for the Cub Car Rally. He's really excited! I'm excited for him and I admit, I'm SO excited to get out of Shilo! I love going back to the city. I miss living in a city, and I really miss the amenities a city has to offer. Hopefully soon we'll be somewhere bigger... at least where the grocery stores are only a few minutes away, not 1/2 an hour ride down a small highway!! Oh the things that make me happy these days, lol. But that's another story for another day.

Well, I'm off to spend some time with Bryce. ☺ The house is finally quiet and peaceful. ☺ So nice! We may actually be able to have a conversation without being interrupted 90 times, lol.

Night!

May 5th...

Bryce told me today that May 5th is when NOSM (Northern Ontario School of Medicine) will be notifying applicants of acceptance/rejection. Sigh. It feels sooo far away! I'm trying hard not to think about things. I just wish I knew what was going to happen this year. Move 12 hours west or move 12 to 18 hours east? Will Bryce be employed or a student again? Both situations have their pros and both have their cons. I'm starting to get my head around Bryce going to school again... although I still wish the military program would have sponsored Bryce. Stinky cutbacks. Oh well, one way or the other, something will happen and in the end, all that really matters is that Bryce & I and the kids are all together. I'm hoping that regardless of what happens, Bryce will be home more months of the year... or how about this, the WHOLE year! Although, really I can't complain too much lately, Bryce has been home alot this past year, he's only been gone a couple times and not for very long stretches of time.

And that's what's on my mind today. That and I really wish I could wiggle my nose and the laundry would do itself... but that won't happen... it's a nice dream though!

Dallin was so funny tonight!

We had Family Home Evening (FHE) tonight and Madi was in charge of the song. OF COURSE she chose Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam, it's her favorite! And anyone who has seen her sing it, it's pretty funny, she has to jump everytime sunbeam is said in the song. Tonight when we sang the song, all the kids really got into singing and jumping to sunbeam, it was so fun! Love it!! Anyways, we were about to go on with FHE and we all noticed Dallin sitting on his knees and he would make an "aaa" sound then bounce up on his knees. We realized after a few of those, he was still trying to sing the song! So of course, Bryce and I both grabbed our phones and started to record him and all the kids joined in and sang to Dallin. What a blast, sometimes our kids are so much fun! Anyways, here's the video clip. (remember to turn the music on the side bar off so you can here it.)

Oh! How could I forget!

OK, anyone who knows me I LOVE LOVE LOVE a good deal! And that I love running... but since I have 2 compressed discs in my back I'm not supposed to be doing anything that will compress my spine too much. Needless to say, it's been a long 8 months of popping many Ibuprofen pills daily and dying to run b/c the rest of me feels fine! Sigh. Well what does a good deal & running have in common? I found a way to exercise that doesn't hurt me (yay!) and we got it for 70% off! Bryce bought me an elliptical! We're still waiting for it, long story short, the one we ordered the over sold so the company upgraded us to this one:

Now just to get it here. I'm hoping by next week it will be here and then when kids sleep in the afternoon I can work out... can't wait to feel healthy again and even fit my pants too! ;)

I read this the other day and what a flood of memories!

I was waiting in the car (We weren't in our van! We had borrowed our friends car to go to the Regina Temple, and they had taken our van and all 5 kids for a sleep over... it was wonderful!) and Bryce had gone into the hotel to check in. I decided to peek on Facebook and see what the rest of the world was doing. Julie Mason had posted this thread about a military wife and what she knew about deployment. So of course, being a military wife, I had to read it. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the car trying not to cry. Oh the memories of all the many times Bryce has been gone, whether it's been on exercise, or to take a course or teach one, or to be deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months or even to just the Olympics in BC for 3 months... I could relate to just about everything this lady had wrote about. I never realized when Bryce joined the military that the first 4 years he would be gone for 26 months... and the last year he has only been home because Dallin was born last March (wow, a year has almost passed!) and Bryce took parental leave for 7 months. (which by the way was WONDERFUL and so needed for one and all!!!) Anyways, I am posting the link to the article mostly because I want to have it for myself, and if I put it on my blog, at some point I will be able to find it again. If anyone is actually reading this (lol, I always figure I'm the only one! Or maybe Bryce reads it if he realizes that I'm blogging, lol)... anyways, if anyone is actually reading this and you are even a little curious what military family life is like, take 5 minutes and read it. I have such a huge appreciation for what this lady wrote, it's true to form. This is REALLY what it's like to have my husband deployed and this is REALLY what it feels like to stand in my shoes... and all the other military wives out there. One of the great things I have loved about living on an army base is knowing that I am not alone in my challenges, everyone here has either gone through it or is going through it and we all know that we will continue to be alone and miss our husbands. Sigh. I'm choosing to sigh instead of cry... although, tears aren't far away.

www.herwarhervoice.com/blog/?awesm=fbshare.me_AaD9H&p=1313&utm_content=fbshare-js-large&utm_medium=fbshare.me-facebook-post&utm_source=facebook.com

Here's the article... I'm posting my thoughts in red....

What a Military Spouse Knows

As many of you know, my husband came home from our third deployment not too long ago. During the deployment, a reporter asked me to share “What I Knew” about deployments and military life. This was my answer:

As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.” (I hate that feeling!)

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me. (so true, I know Bryce by the way he walks in his combats)

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live. (OH how I can relate to that... it's being in survival mode)

The truth is I know a lot:

» The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does. (amen!)
» Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.(it's amazing what I have been able to fit into his packages!)
» Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts. When Bryce was in Afghanistan, Madi was only about 8 or 9 months old... we used to SKYPE with each other and Madi knew who her daddy was through a computer screen. It was wonderful and sad all at the same time... how wonderful for her to know his face and his voice (It helped ALOT when he finally came home) but how heart breaking to know that my baby knew her daddy through a computer screen... and for Bryce to miss all those months of holding his little girl. Oh tears!)
» Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will . (WAY TOO TRUE! And she forgot to mention kids puking)
» Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods (yup)
» Holidays are hard, but manageable. (yes)
» Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.
» Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again. (letters were always exciting to get, the kids loved them!)
» When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat. (yes, Remembrance Day has a whole new meaning for me)
» The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.
» Laughter is a powerful ally. (thank heavens for that!)
» Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice. (I totally agree! Many people have asked me how I do it. My answer is always, I have no choice but to do it. My choice is to keep standing and not to fall. Standing is hard, but falling really hurts, and I don't mean physically)
» Cereal is always a dinner option. (That is one beautiful dinner option!)
» Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly. ☺
» Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.
» White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.
» Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it. (I have done and can do... although I will always opt to have Bryce home!)
» Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow. (tears when I read this)
» Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.(more tears, no words to express, just tears)
» Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.(Those are the BEST hugs and kisses ever!)
» Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me. (thank heavens for those who have stood by me all the many times Bryce has been gone)
» A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression. (more tears)
» A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”
» The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow. (Same with seeing the flag when it's at half mast... so sad)
» Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.(LOL, so true and funny too!)
» Despite the protesters and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us. (I always hate it when people say stupid things like this is what we chose, it's true, we chose this, but it doesn't make it easier. Thank heavens for those who ARE supportive and recognize that they can sleep soundly in their beds at night and work whatever job they choose to work... while my husband and others will stand on guard and will fight... and are willing to die for all of us to be free.)
There are many things I know.

I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook(check), earn my keep (check), and kiss a child enough to feel like two.(alot of hugging and kissing in my house... so hard to be everything to everybody x 2)

But there are still so many things I don’t know.

» I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.(that's a hard one)
» When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.
» I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.(been there, done that... more tears)
» I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.(amen)
» I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear. (so grateful Bryce came back Bryce and this isn't an issue for us)
» I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots. (just when I finally am completely used to survival mode, he comes home and all the routines have to change again!)
» I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free. (tears again)
» I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”
» I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.(it really is amazing)
» I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.
But, most importantly:

I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

Wasn't that SO good? Anyone who is military will agree that this is accurate. I enjoyed (not sure that's even the right word) reading this, so many memories, so many tears. Would I change it? Maybe it's a sickness, but no I wouldn't. I'm proud of Bryce and all those who serve our country. I'm so grateful that I can sleep at night safely, that I am free to practice my religion, that my children are safe to walk to school and play in the neighborhood, that my family is safe while we travel and that we never have to worry about driving over explosives... we are free. I am grateful for that. Having said all that, I do appreciate Bryce, I do appreciate it when he's home and can be Bryce, and a husband and a father. This may not always be our lot in life, but for now it is. I'm glad for all the opportunities for growth, and am glad when the hard moments pass.

And that's it for now! I need to go be 'mom' again and feed some kids! Better to do it before the melt downs begin! ;)

Reading to Madi

Tonight was my turn to read to Madi and she wanted me to read her a story about fairies. She was pretty cute tonight, as I read to her she felt the pages~ they were covered in sparkles, what 3 yr old girl doesn't love that! ~ and she chatted away as I read. I'm not sure she even listens to what I'm reading but that's ok, she happy and that's what counts. At one point she told me that she wants to have wings so that she can fly too... Ah, to be 3, who knows what color the sky is in her little world. I wish I could remember being that age, it seems so nice and innocent and simple.

Today is also the first Sunday in about 2 years that I was able to have a proper fast. (pregnant and nursing so many times in the past 11 1/2 years has stopped me from having real fasts) it was really good. We decided to have a family fast today. We sat down with the kids last night and decided what we would fast about and started our fast together. Tis morning both Noah and June jumped ship, they both were too hungry to fast, we didn't force them, we told them that it was their choice but reminded them that they should close their fast with a prayer. Adam on the other hand (he's only 7 yrs old) decided he was still going to fast. I was shocked, I figured he would have ended his fast too, but he didn't. He made it all the way to the end of church, and here's the real kicker, he was actually happy throughout! If you know Adam at all, you know he is our physical needs child.. If that boy is hungry or tired, watch out, he's a grump! W do all we can to keep him well fed and rested, it makes everyone's life a little earlier. Anyways, I am SO proud of how well he did today! It was really good! My fast went well today too, I'm glad to be able to do it again and believe it or not, I look forward to the next fast. :)

Tis past week was a whirlwind for me. I thought it would be a slow week, what a joke. I spent sun up to sun down doing things for everyone and did A few things for myself. The ONE thing I have decided I need to fit in my life again is to get some decent exercise in again. I have been very limited to what I can do as I have 2 compressed discs in my back and my right leg is in constant pain or discomfort... Sigh... I'm not enjoying this trial, but I'm trying hard to be patient and not to complain. I just keep taking my ibuprofen all day long and do my best not to miss any doses. I need to get into the orthopedic surgeon sooner than latest, but I'm just waiting for my appointment. Oh well, it is what it is. Anyways, I feel like I'm never going to loose my baby weight, and making cakes for everyone every week isn't helping matters, so I decided that I will just do what I can do to exercises and if it hurts, I won't do it. So as if I didn't have enough on my plate, I'm now doing double time during my days so that I can squeeze in some kind of workout. (its a sad little workout compared to what I used to do, but at least its something) so my week is too full now, and this next week doesn't look any different. Man, to think that when I only had a couple children I could barely manage to get much done. Bryce and I often recall the times when Noah was first born, I hardly got out of my house coat the first 3 months... Granted I almost died after having him. But still, now I have 5 kids, run a day home , work at Michaels one evening a week, make cakes for people, make bread every week, do my calling, visit teach, try to be a mom, wife and even sometimes try to be just me... I have a lot on my plate. It's definitely a full life. Oh well, it's good. I just need to remember to take time to do what's most important, not just do the good things, there's definitely a difference!

I'm glad I'm taking a few minutes to blog, which in my mind, is really my journal writing. Bryce writes just about every day, he's such a good example to me. Love that man!

Oh, one more thing, yesterday Noah went to a friends house. To most people, their kids have play dates all the time. For Noah, this is a HUGE deal. Noah met this boy, Gregory, at the CATC, they were in the day program together. Both Noah and Gregory have Aspergers Syndrome, both boys struggle socially. We are thrilled, as are Gregory's parents, that the boys are getting along and are actually reaching out to each other! It was neat for me to meet Gregory, I have never met anyone else with Aspergers, and as I watched the boys talk to each other and to us, I saw so many similarities! Wow, Noah really does have Aspergers and I can totally see how psychiatrists can make these diagnoses just by sitting down and talking to them. Noah has all the markers of Aspergers. I was thinking about it today and pondering this, I have a child with a disability. I remember many years ago, before I even had children, I always felt impressed that I would have a child with some sort of disability. I never told anyone, it would sound crazy to anyone listening, but as the years unfolded, I always wondered about that impression. I think I always thought it would be a more obvious disability and for so many years, I thought Noah was a quirky little boy... Little did I know, the quirks were actually something else. Funny though, when Noah was given his diagnoses, I thought to myself, how does this change things? It really doesn't change anything. Noah is still Noah, he's still a wonderful boy, still quirky, but we just know now what things we need to do to help him, and realize that some of these quirks aren't just going to go away... He won't grow out of them necessarily. Bt thats ok, I love him, just the way he is! I have said many times, I would have 5 more kids if I knew they would be like Noah, funny hey, he's the one who has Aspergers! Besides, who wouldn't want a child with Aspergers? I get SOOO many hugs daily from Noah! I wouldn't change things for anything! Love that boy! :)

Next thing I'm going to try to squeeze into my already busy life, (because I'm not busy enough, lol!) I'm going to try to take an online photography course. I figure why should I pay someone else for something I could learn to do. So my dad emailed me a link this morning for a good site, I'm going to try to find a few minutes every day to learn something new, and then hopefully I'll figure it out and can just do my own pictures of the kids. (although I have been doing my own pictures of our kids for awhile, but maybe I can make them look more professional)

And that's it for today. I'm also going to try to get more sleep, lol, here's to hoping! I hear sleep helps...