I read this the other day and what a flood of memories!

I was waiting in the car (We weren't in our van! We had borrowed our friends car to go to the Regina Temple, and they had taken our van and all 5 kids for a sleep over... it was wonderful!) and Bryce had gone into the hotel to check in. I decided to peek on Facebook and see what the rest of the world was doing. Julie Mason had posted this thread about a military wife and what she knew about deployment. So of course, being a military wife, I had to read it. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the car trying not to cry. Oh the memories of all the many times Bryce has been gone, whether it's been on exercise, or to take a course or teach one, or to be deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months or even to just the Olympics in BC for 3 months... I could relate to just about everything this lady had wrote about. I never realized when Bryce joined the military that the first 4 years he would be gone for 26 months... and the last year he has only been home because Dallin was born last March (wow, a year has almost passed!) and Bryce took parental leave for 7 months. (which by the way was WONDERFUL and so needed for one and all!!!) Anyways, I am posting the link to the article mostly because I want to have it for myself, and if I put it on my blog, at some point I will be able to find it again. If anyone is actually reading this (lol, I always figure I'm the only one! Or maybe Bryce reads it if he realizes that I'm blogging, lol)... anyways, if anyone is actually reading this and you are even a little curious what military family life is like, take 5 minutes and read it. I have such a huge appreciation for what this lady wrote, it's true to form. This is REALLY what it's like to have my husband deployed and this is REALLY what it feels like to stand in my shoes... and all the other military wives out there. One of the great things I have loved about living on an army base is knowing that I am not alone in my challenges, everyone here has either gone through it or is going through it and we all know that we will continue to be alone and miss our husbands. Sigh. I'm choosing to sigh instead of cry... although, tears aren't far away.

www.herwarhervoice.com/blog/?awesm=fbshare.me_AaD9H&p=1313&utm_content=fbshare-js-large&utm_medium=fbshare.me-facebook-post&utm_source=facebook.com

Here's the article... I'm posting my thoughts in red....

What a Military Spouse Knows

As many of you know, my husband came home from our third deployment not too long ago. During the deployment, a reporter asked me to share “What I Knew” about deployments and military life. This was my answer:

As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.” (I hate that feeling!)

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me. (so true, I know Bryce by the way he walks in his combats)

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live. (OH how I can relate to that... it's being in survival mode)

The truth is I know a lot:

» The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does. (amen!)
» Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.(it's amazing what I have been able to fit into his packages!)
» Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts. When Bryce was in Afghanistan, Madi was only about 8 or 9 months old... we used to SKYPE with each other and Madi knew who her daddy was through a computer screen. It was wonderful and sad all at the same time... how wonderful for her to know his face and his voice (It helped ALOT when he finally came home) but how heart breaking to know that my baby knew her daddy through a computer screen... and for Bryce to miss all those months of holding his little girl. Oh tears!)
» Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will . (WAY TOO TRUE! And she forgot to mention kids puking)
» Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods (yup)
» Holidays are hard, but manageable. (yes)
» Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.
» Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again. (letters were always exciting to get, the kids loved them!)
» When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat. (yes, Remembrance Day has a whole new meaning for me)
» The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.
» Laughter is a powerful ally. (thank heavens for that!)
» Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice. (I totally agree! Many people have asked me how I do it. My answer is always, I have no choice but to do it. My choice is to keep standing and not to fall. Standing is hard, but falling really hurts, and I don't mean physically)
» Cereal is always a dinner option. (That is one beautiful dinner option!)
» Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly. ☺
» Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.
» White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.
» Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it. (I have done and can do... although I will always opt to have Bryce home!)
» Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow. (tears when I read this)
» Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.(more tears, no words to express, just tears)
» Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.(Those are the BEST hugs and kisses ever!)
» Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me. (thank heavens for those who have stood by me all the many times Bryce has been gone)
» A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression. (more tears)
» A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”
» The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow. (Same with seeing the flag when it's at half mast... so sad)
» Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.(LOL, so true and funny too!)
» Despite the protesters and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us. (I always hate it when people say stupid things like this is what we chose, it's true, we chose this, but it doesn't make it easier. Thank heavens for those who ARE supportive and recognize that they can sleep soundly in their beds at night and work whatever job they choose to work... while my husband and others will stand on guard and will fight... and are willing to die for all of us to be free.)
There are many things I know.

I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook(check), earn my keep (check), and kiss a child enough to feel like two.(alot of hugging and kissing in my house... so hard to be everything to everybody x 2)

But there are still so many things I don’t know.

» I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.(that's a hard one)
» When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.
» I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.(been there, done that... more tears)
» I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.(amen)
» I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear. (so grateful Bryce came back Bryce and this isn't an issue for us)
» I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots. (just when I finally am completely used to survival mode, he comes home and all the routines have to change again!)
» I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free. (tears again)
» I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”
» I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.(it really is amazing)
» I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.
But, most importantly:

I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

Wasn't that SO good? Anyone who is military will agree that this is accurate. I enjoyed (not sure that's even the right word) reading this, so many memories, so many tears. Would I change it? Maybe it's a sickness, but no I wouldn't. I'm proud of Bryce and all those who serve our country. I'm so grateful that I can sleep at night safely, that I am free to practice my religion, that my children are safe to walk to school and play in the neighborhood, that my family is safe while we travel and that we never have to worry about driving over explosives... we are free. I am grateful for that. Having said all that, I do appreciate Bryce, I do appreciate it when he's home and can be Bryce, and a husband and a father. This may not always be our lot in life, but for now it is. I'm glad for all the opportunities for growth, and am glad when the hard moments pass.

And that's it for now! I need to go be 'mom' again and feed some kids! Better to do it before the melt downs begin! ;)